Conversation in a busy dumpling house. Two guys at a table full of people were talking about abortion.
Quick description. Guy 1 was 23, American, white, straight, a pre-med student, about 6ft tall, lean, fit, quite good-looking. Guy 2 was 24, Australian, white, straight, a media studies major, about 6ft tall, lean, fit, quite good-looking. There were three women at the table.
Guy 1 was doing a paper on the ethics/morality/legality of abortion for a class, and Guy 2 was jokingly oversimplifying the first one's position on the matter. Now I'm not sure about what the first guy's actual opinion on abortion was, because my brain was busy doing that thing where it sends pounding flashes of purple and red and yellow to the back of my eyes.
THE QUESTIONNAIRE
Before I explain, let's start with a short, fun exercise I like to call the abortion questionnaire. For each of the questions, choose the MOST APPROPRIATE answer from the three or four options provided. This means that if you're not Jewish, and if someone asks you if your parents insist on keeping kosher, the answer is not "Yes" or "No" - the most appropriate answer is "Not Applicable". Here goes!
01. Have you ever had an abortion?
[YES] [NO] [NOT APPLICABLE]
02. Are there any circumstances under which you have considered or would consider having an abortion?
[YES] [NO] [NOT SURE] [NOT APPLICABLE]
03. Have you had an abortion because, or would you consider an abortion if, you felt you were too young for pregnancy/childbirth?
[YES] [NO] [NOT SURE] [NOT APPLICABLE]
04. Have you had an abortion because, or would you consider an abortion if, you felt you were too young for parenthood?
[YES] [NO] [NOT SURE] [NOT APPLICABLE]
05. Have you had an abortion because, or would you consider an abortion if, you became pregnant as a result of your contraception failing (such as condom tearing)?
[YES] [NO] [NOT SURE] [NOT APPLICABLE]
06. Have you had an abortion because, or would you consider an abortion if, you became pregnant as a result of a sexual encounter that took place when you were under the influence of alcohol or drugs?
[YES] [NO] [NOT SURE] [NOT APPLICABLE]
07. Have you had an abortion because, or would you consider an abortion if, you became pregnant as a result of a sexual encounter that took place when your ability to make informed decisions was in any other way compromised?
[YES] [NO] [NOT SURE] [NOT APPLICABLE]
08. Have you had an abortion because, or would you consider an abortion if, you became pregnant because of a sexual encounter that you did not give your consent to, or did not desire?
[YES] [NO] [NOT SURE] [NOT APPLICABLE]
09. Have you had an abortion because, or would you consider an abortion if, your fetus was not of your desired gender?
[YES] [NO] [NOT SURE] [NOT APPLICABLE]
10. Have you had an abortion because, or would you consider an abortion if, your fetus had developmental abnormalities?
[YES] [NO] [NOT SURE] [NOT APPLICABLE]
11. Have you had an abortion because, or would you consider an abortion if, your partner wanted you to terminate the pregnancy?
[YES] [NO] [NOT SURE] [NOT APPLICABLE]
12. Have you had an abortion because, or would you consider an abortion if, your pregnancy posed a risk to your life, health, or mental well-being?
[YES] [NO] [NOT SURE] [NOT APPLICABLE]
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you've answered 'not applicable' on all the above questions, please step into this room where we can talk:
THE ROOM
Let's set aside for the moment what your views on abortion are. If none of these questions is applicable to you personally, it is probably because it is impossible for you to become pregnant. Maybe you don't have a uterus. Maybe you have a chromosomal anomaly.
The bottom line is, the question of whether or not to have an abortion is one that you will never face. It will never apply to you.
You may argue that it doesn't need to, that you are entitled to an opinion anyway. You may argue that moral values are absolute.
Or you may argue that actually, it could apply to you: what if your partner is the one facing these choices and she wants or needs you to help her decide what to do?
Or you may be a pre-med student, or a doctor, and may have to decide whether or not to perform abortions, either as a routine procedure or on a case-by-case basis.
However, you can choose to become a neurologist or endocrinologist and entirely bypass the abortion issue. You can walk away from a pregnant girlfriend - your pregnant girlfriend cannot walk away from her pregnancy quite as easily.
This is what separates you from all those individuals standing outside this room. Whether they are straight or gay, tall or short, fat or thin, as long as they have a functioning uterus, this is not purely hypothetical for them. Whatever they may believe, something horrible can happen to them that makes them reevaluate their convictions and make difficult choices. It's different.
HOW DIFFERENT?
Imagine that you're hanging out with a couple of Middle Eastern dudes who have a jokey discussion on whether alcohol fuels immorality among white people and destroys the fabric of Western society.
Now imagine that these guys come from a highly populated and extremely powerful Islamic country that won a major war twenty years ago, a war that decimated your own population. And that as a result, the citizens of this country get to rewrite your laws.
Whether or not the rewritten laws will benefit your society is moot. Whether they are enforced strictly or not at all is irrelevant.
The point is, a good proportion of the people who decide how you should live your life, and how you should be punished if you don't live your life that way, do so from outside. So when one of them mouths off about whether or not public sodomy is an appropriate or excessive punishment for white men who are caught drinking, your gut instinct might be to tell them to fuck off or to punch them in the face.
But if you have any instinct for self-preservation, there will be a pragmatic voice in your head telling you that you cannot afford to antagonise these people. So you end up engaging in a debate with them about the issue. They may point out studies that prove that alcohol is harmful and encourages reckless behaviour. They may say that violating and humiliating an offender in public would have the necessary effect of deterring this undesirable behaviour.
You try to keep your cool and argue respectfully, conceding some points and questioning some leaps in logic. Because you know that if you get upset, these guys may say, "See, this is what alcohol does to white guys. It makes them argumentative and hysterical and violent."
SO IF YOU'RE THAT GUY...
please keep in mind that this is how it can feel for the non-male, non-straight, or non-white people around you when you air your views on gay rights, abortion rights, minority rights.
They may not say anything because they're upset and don't want to show it and reinforce your stereotypes about them. They may engage in a civil discussion on THEIR rights with you, because they're aware that you have the power to collectively take those rights away. If your point of view coincides somewhat with theirs, they may just be relieved to have someone on their side. Or maybe this power dynamic is so entrenched in their thinking - as it is in yours - that none of this even occurs to them.
Or maybe they're not speaking up because they just want to keep the peace, and have a beer with friends, without it devolving into yet another heated debate that divides the group and leaves everyone with a bad taste in the mouth.
Quick description. Guy 1 was 23, American, white, straight, a pre-med student, about 6ft tall, lean, fit, quite good-looking. Guy 2 was 24, Australian, white, straight, a media studies major, about 6ft tall, lean, fit, quite good-looking. There were three women at the table.
Guy 1 was doing a paper on the ethics/morality/legality of abortion for a class, and Guy 2 was jokingly oversimplifying the first one's position on the matter. Now I'm not sure about what the first guy's actual opinion on abortion was, because my brain was busy doing that thing where it sends pounding flashes of purple and red and yellow to the back of my eyes.
THE QUESTIONNAIRE
Before I explain, let's start with a short, fun exercise I like to call the abortion questionnaire. For each of the questions, choose the MOST APPROPRIATE answer from the three or four options provided. This means that if you're not Jewish, and if someone asks you if your parents insist on keeping kosher, the answer is not "Yes" or "No" - the most appropriate answer is "Not Applicable". Here goes!
01. Have you ever had an abortion?
[YES] [NO] [NOT APPLICABLE]
02. Are there any circumstances under which you have considered or would consider having an abortion?
[YES] [NO] [NOT SURE] [NOT APPLICABLE]
03. Have you had an abortion because, or would you consider an abortion if, you felt you were too young for pregnancy/childbirth?
[YES] [NO] [NOT SURE] [NOT APPLICABLE]
04. Have you had an abortion because, or would you consider an abortion if, you felt you were too young for parenthood?
[YES] [NO] [NOT SURE] [NOT APPLICABLE]
05. Have you had an abortion because, or would you consider an abortion if, you became pregnant as a result of your contraception failing (such as condom tearing)?
[YES] [NO] [NOT SURE] [NOT APPLICABLE]
06. Have you had an abortion because, or would you consider an abortion if, you became pregnant as a result of a sexual encounter that took place when you were under the influence of alcohol or drugs?
[YES] [NO] [NOT SURE] [NOT APPLICABLE]
07. Have you had an abortion because, or would you consider an abortion if, you became pregnant as a result of a sexual encounter that took place when your ability to make informed decisions was in any other way compromised?
[YES] [NO] [NOT SURE] [NOT APPLICABLE]
08. Have you had an abortion because, or would you consider an abortion if, you became pregnant because of a sexual encounter that you did not give your consent to, or did not desire?
[YES] [NO] [NOT SURE] [NOT APPLICABLE]
09. Have you had an abortion because, or would you consider an abortion if, your fetus was not of your desired gender?
[YES] [NO] [NOT SURE] [NOT APPLICABLE]
10. Have you had an abortion because, or would you consider an abortion if, your fetus had developmental abnormalities?
[YES] [NO] [NOT SURE] [NOT APPLICABLE]
11. Have you had an abortion because, or would you consider an abortion if, your partner wanted you to terminate the pregnancy?
[YES] [NO] [NOT SURE] [NOT APPLICABLE]
12. Have you had an abortion because, or would you consider an abortion if, your pregnancy posed a risk to your life, health, or mental well-being?
[YES] [NO] [NOT SURE] [NOT APPLICABLE]
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you've answered 'not applicable' on all the above questions, please step into this room where we can talk:
THE ROOM
Let's set aside for the moment what your views on abortion are. If none of these questions is applicable to you personally, it is probably because it is impossible for you to become pregnant. Maybe you don't have a uterus. Maybe you have a chromosomal anomaly.
The bottom line is, the question of whether or not to have an abortion is one that you will never face. It will never apply to you.
You may argue that it doesn't need to, that you are entitled to an opinion anyway. You may argue that moral values are absolute.
Or you may argue that actually, it could apply to you: what if your partner is the one facing these choices and she wants or needs you to help her decide what to do?
Or you may be a pre-med student, or a doctor, and may have to decide whether or not to perform abortions, either as a routine procedure or on a case-by-case basis.
However, you can choose to become a neurologist or endocrinologist and entirely bypass the abortion issue. You can walk away from a pregnant girlfriend - your pregnant girlfriend cannot walk away from her pregnancy quite as easily.
This is what separates you from all those individuals standing outside this room. Whether they are straight or gay, tall or short, fat or thin, as long as they have a functioning uterus, this is not purely hypothetical for them. Whatever they may believe, something horrible can happen to them that makes them reevaluate their convictions and make difficult choices. It's different.
HOW DIFFERENT?
Imagine that you're hanging out with a couple of Middle Eastern dudes who have a jokey discussion on whether alcohol fuels immorality among white people and destroys the fabric of Western society.
Now imagine that these guys come from a highly populated and extremely powerful Islamic country that won a major war twenty years ago, a war that decimated your own population. And that as a result, the citizens of this country get to rewrite your laws.
Whether or not the rewritten laws will benefit your society is moot. Whether they are enforced strictly or not at all is irrelevant.
The point is, a good proportion of the people who decide how you should live your life, and how you should be punished if you don't live your life that way, do so from outside. So when one of them mouths off about whether or not public sodomy is an appropriate or excessive punishment for white men who are caught drinking, your gut instinct might be to tell them to fuck off or to punch them in the face.
But if you have any instinct for self-preservation, there will be a pragmatic voice in your head telling you that you cannot afford to antagonise these people. So you end up engaging in a debate with them about the issue. They may point out studies that prove that alcohol is harmful and encourages reckless behaviour. They may say that violating and humiliating an offender in public would have the necessary effect of deterring this undesirable behaviour.
You try to keep your cool and argue respectfully, conceding some points and questioning some leaps in logic. Because you know that if you get upset, these guys may say, "See, this is what alcohol does to white guys. It makes them argumentative and hysterical and violent."
SO IF YOU'RE THAT GUY...
please keep in mind that this is how it can feel for the non-male, non-straight, or non-white people around you when you air your views on gay rights, abortion rights, minority rights.
They may not say anything because they're upset and don't want to show it and reinforce your stereotypes about them. They may engage in a civil discussion on THEIR rights with you, because they're aware that you have the power to collectively take those rights away. If your point of view coincides somewhat with theirs, they may just be relieved to have someone on their side. Or maybe this power dynamic is so entrenched in their thinking - as it is in yours - that none of this even occurs to them.
Or maybe they're not speaking up because they just want to keep the peace, and have a beer with friends, without it devolving into yet another heated debate that divides the group and leaves everyone with a bad taste in the mouth.
